Well, sooner or later – usually later in life, your plumbing will act up, and your doctor will tell you that you will need a colonoscopy.

It’s a word to put fear into your heart, and sympathetic expressions ( or evil chuckles) on the faces of friends and family who have endured the procedure.

In case you’ve never had it done, I will share my firsthand experience.

So – still totally miserable in the morning after leaping out of bed and running faster than Usain Bolt into the ensuite, courtesy of that vile Movi Prep, a pox on whoever invented it… allllll through the looong night.

Seven am, turned the electric blankie on and crawled back in bed to warm my frozen limbs… husband came in said sympathetic words and decided to grab another half hour nap himself.

Doze… look up bleary eyed and find Elizabeth JR has decided to take up residence between us… Her grumbling and wriggling woke me and had me leaping out yet again for an ensuite sprint…

What a day… appointment for 2pm… for upper and lower internal body inspection… so starvation all day.

Husband nobly declined food in sympathy, my hero, then scared me to hell with his driving in city traffic.

Got to hospital, got weighed in front of other very interested waiting victims. I threatened the nurse with mayhem if she announced it aloud. Embarrassment.

Put on an undignified robe that exposed wrong bits of me… and had to laugh when they told me to leave my shoes on as “you will walk to op room” … comical… large white gown, bare bum, long bare legs, feet shod with black Sketchers. What a sight.

Clambered on to table… still wearing big black clodhoppers… large dark skinned man had the usual failure in searching for decent vein. I am used to this, I know my veins are always a problem, we argued, he insisted and tried and failed thinking he knew better, I frowned a lot… he finally tried for inside wrist, it hurt like hell (payback) and I was still snarling as I drifted off to sleep.

I dreamed for some reason about chasing horses around a paddock and woke up wondering where on earth I was, especially as I gazed into the face of a sweet faced, tiny Asian nurse.

Me and my Sketchers were wheeled into a recovery room where I was fed hideous coffee. The doc arrived, talked rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb and handed me perfectly focussed photos of the inside of my stomach and bum… what; I thought, am I supposed to do with them?

Husband arrived, chatted up the nurse and took me to a local cafe for food, he ate but I was too tired… then back home sitting watching tv, the gas pains were horrendous, did you know they blow wind up that opening to get a better view?

Maybe tomorrow will be easier… but as far as I’m concerned they can stick colonoscopies up their…