I was recently facilitating a leadership workshop where one of the participants raised the question if we are losing the art of civility and respect in our society. The context was how we handle a divergence of views in a work or community setting. It seems nowadays the default political discord is to assume our view is right and your view is wrong, rather than respectfully listening to and exploring differing views. Being civil and respectful is the basis for any human connection.

Respect is earned. It takes time and is based on lived experiences, human interactions, and civil communications between people. It is the “don’t pass go” quality of any leader.

Without respect and appreciation of other people, leadership becomes ineffective, and perhaps impossible
– George Foreman (Boxer, Minister, Entrepreneur)

Trust continuum: The one thing we do know about respect is it cannot be demanded. A leader will always fail when they rely on their title for respect. All leaders have a respect continuum. On first meeting a leader’s respect meter will start from a neutral position. From there a leader’s level of trust will either rise or fall. This is a trust continuum. First impressions are important and sets the basis for any future relationship. Over time a leader’s trust continuum will either rise or fall based on the actions, behaviours, communications, and lived experiences people have with a leader.

• High respect: Relationships based on mutual trust and admiration. Leaders consistently demonstrate integrity, fairness and empathy. Leaders who are respected for their competence, ethics and ability to engage & inspire, especially when dealing with difficult situations.
• Moderate respect: Respect is present but conditional or situational. Respect is conditional on certain behaviours being maintained, and expectations are met. Relationships are functional and co-operative but lack depth. A leader’s position may be respected but perhaps their character is not.
• Low respect: Respect is minimal or non-existent. Relationships marked by distrust, resentment, lack of seeing value for a person, and are prone to conflict. Leaders often display behaviours of dishonesty, inconsistency of judgements, or lacking in empathy for others.

Earning respect:  It is the little things done consistently that move a respect barometer up. These are the simple things such as being civil, having a positive mindset, demonstrating fairness, and actively listening to others. Some tried and proven ways to build respect include:

1. Demonstrate integrity: This is the cornerstone of earning respect. Call it the pub test. But there is an unwritten expectation that any leader will act with integrity, and if this is breached or compromised it is rare a leader can fully recover their respect.
2. Lead by example: All leaders are fish bowled – for their behaviours, personal disciplines, and mindsets. Key is whether they walk the talk and role model espoused values and behaviours.
3. Effective communication: The language used, the tone of voice, and how timely and proactive any communication is given is what gains the respect and engagement of people. Note the word “effective” communication. This is key. Just because it was said does not mean it was heard!
4. Empowering others: Instilling confidence and being supportive of people attempting to proactively do things. The one sin a leader can do to extinguish trust and enthusiasm is to not encourage and or empower people to have a go at things. Autonomy and accountability go hand in hand.
5. Show empathy: Leaders who take time to listen are deemed to value relationships. Supporting people doing it tough builds resect, as it demonstrates a leader cares. It is important to be curious about how people are faring in tough times and check in regularly.
6. Consistency and fairness: Be conscious of personal biases. It is natural to spend more time with people you like. Leaders need to connect with a diversity of people. Team members must know they will be treated fairly and equitably.
7. Manage temperament: Angry outbursts must be kept to a minimum.  Consistency of temperament helps facilitate an emotionally safe environment for people to work and live in. Assuming best intentions helps temper angry outbursts. This helps keep emotions in-check and makes for more constructive coaching moments.

Losing respect: Respect can diminish very quickly. Negative behaviours will erode respect quickly. Some examples of how respect can be lost include:

1. Lack of integrity: Dishonest, manipulative, inconsistent, and selfish behaviours (me first).
2. Micromanagement: No one ever said they perform better when micromanaged.
3. Poor communications: Feedback lacks clarity, is infrequent or worse non-existent. If a leader’s tone is condescending, or indeed rude, this will very quickly diminish a person’s respect for a leader.
4. Favouritism and inconsistency: Preferential treatment where rules only apply to some – This is a major respect killer.
5. Lack of accountability: The leader who justifies, lays blame, apportions fault to others, and never accepts their part of a problem, will always be deemed as someone who is not accountable and hence not respected.
6. Disregards the wellbeing of others: People are people. They have emotions and feelings. So people will rightly push back on leaders when they do not feel emotionally safe, respected, valued, or indeed included.
7. Resistant to change: A leader who has a fixed mindset, or is not open to new ideas, cannot learn. If feedback from others is taken as a threat or criticism rather than a gift, their respect bank will plummet. The leader with a “my way or highway mindset” will never be respected!

Behaviour traits that kill a leaders respect include: Tolerating the bullying or harassment of others, sexist behaviour under any circumstance, constant conflict avoidance, poor manners, issuing personal threats, unethical decisions, or being a drunken jerk.

The sad fact is these are all known. As Taylor Swift has recently said “we do not need to share the same opinions as others, but we do need to be respectful.” Being respectful requires a leaders intent. Respect builds over time through the lived experiences of others. Respect is the differentiator between a leader who is deemed effective and those who are not

Leadership Lesson

Earning respect is one of the most crucial skills needed to become an effective leader.
It is not rocket science! It is social science!
Treat people the way you want to be treated.
Talk to people the way you want to be spoken to.
Respect is earned not given

Facta Non-Verba – Deeds Not Words