I am the very model of a modern Minister for Agriculture.
You know you’ve made it as a minister when the Premier grants you one of the prestigious 12th-floor offices in Dumas House – even better if it overlooks Kings Park, with sweeping views across the Swan River and out to Rottnest.
It’s no small feat to claw your way into a winnable seat through the political party machine, let alone win it, make it to parliament as part of the governing team, elbow your way onto the frontbench, survive another round of preselections, climb the ticket, win again, and then land an extra portfolio or two.
Plenty have tried.
Few succeed. Like her or not, credit where it’s due – Jackie Jarvis has come a long way from a battling upbringing to a top floor office, the envy of those ministers left languishing on the lower levels.
I’ll leave it to readers to decide where Jackie fits in the internal pecking order.
The Premier’s on Level 11.
The current minister is flying high. Where her trajectory leads from here is anyone’s guess.
No doubt she’ll be drawing a firm line under her predecessor – the inflatable Alannah MacTiernan – with her madcap climate crusades, all of which Jackie inherited like a soggy political swag. To make matters worse, she had to front up for the politicall dead cats lobbed her way by the ministers for Treasury and Finance – brutal budget cuts, and the usual Finance Department incompetence when it came to negotiating a new HQ.
She copped a regular beating from me over those. But, being a loyal team player, she took the bullets that should’ve been aimed squarely at Saffioti and Ellery.
She took the pain – and now she’s reaping the gains.
Loyal, hardworking ministers are rare.
Say what you like – no one can deny Jackie puts in the hours.
Now older, wiser, and higher up the building, it’ll be interesting to see if she can finally pull rank and get a deal done to lock in a new HQ.
More importantly – can she put a floor under the Department of Primary Industries and Regional Development’s (DPIRD) budget? If she pulls that off, she’ll put the last six Agriculture ministers to shame.
So, what else belongs on the whiteboard in that big, flash office?
The ocean views alone should be enough to inspire the minister to clean up the mess left behind by the last hopeless Fisheries Minister – property rights chaos under the new Fisheries Act and yet another round of demersal cuts.
Sorry, farmers – rec fishers – but just as you’ve mastered the art of extracting yield from soil, you’ve also perfected the science of hauling more fish from the sea.
As a former adviser to a Fisheries Minister, I was once howled down for suggesting recreational fishers could go back to unlimited catch limits – provided they used sailboats, oars, and handlines.
The idea that GPS, echo sounders, fish finders and electric reels mounted on a Noosa Cat might give them an edge was apparently too much.
Good luck Minister. Fisheries remains one of the most challenging and time-consuming portfolio in government.
Compared to fishers, farmers are a breeze.
Machinery of government:
As part of the Premier’s new cabinet, structural reform is finally on the table, albeit DPIRD missed going under the knife.
Who thought multiple ministers funnelling decisions through one mega-department was ever going to work?
Department of Fisheries and Agriculture would work far better than DPIRD.
Time to put Regional Development out of its misery.
Even better to go back to the Department of Agriculture and the Department of Fisheries as two separate departments.
Food:
The priority shouldn’t be dishing out grants to microbreweries or boutique aquaculture ventures to buy political goodwill – or indulging the economic delusion that governments can pick winners.
Funnel any spare money into fisheries or agriculture to focus on core business like regulation or market development.
Water:
Find $20 million for the Smart Water program and tell Richard George to get on with it.
Grains Research:
Tell the department to drag out the GrainsWest proposal and bring in Sweetingham and Delane to have another look at it.
Lewis and MacTiernan binned it, but it deserves a second look, then bring in the consultants – AVC comes to mind – to review Australian Export Grains Innovation Centre (AEGIC), Grower Group Alliance (CGA), Grain Industry Association of Western Australia (GIWA), Grains Research & Development Corporation (GRDC), South West Grains Hub (SWGH), WA Agricultural Research Collaboration (WAARC) and anyone else who gets a slice of growers’ grains levy funds.
It’s time to streamline resources around a longterm model with real farmer buy-in and build a world-class local grains research industry, not this mish match we currently have.
Let’s not forget, it’s growers who fund GRDC – and by extension, Australia’s grain exports. Also, someone remind me – what does GIWA actually do?
AEGIC deserves the top floor of the new DPIRD HQ.
Lock it in:
No doubt, a new pot of Treasury funding tied to a restructured model (possibly even spinning grains research out of DPIRD) could be the gamechanger WA needs.
Live Export:
The transition will remain messy, thanks to comrades over east selling WA out for a few inner-city activist votes.
Hopefully, they’ll get a flogging at the ballot box.
My advice? Bring in AgKnowledge’s Peter Cook and task him with ensuring the Feds don’t completely stuff it up or DPIRD gets all confused in driving local outcomes.
Then pencil in a trade trip to any country that’ll take more mutton.
India should be first stop.
Sheep Research:
DPIRD must make sheep eID seamless and sheep productivity a top priority – starting with developing a trial co-operative feedlot at Katanning and leaning on the Feds to kick in more money.
Forget the carbon research at Katanning; what’s the point if there is no sheep industry left?
Agricultural Product Commission (APC):
Sack the bush lawyers in DPIRD who told the APC it can’t compile a list of dairy farmers. There are fewer than 100 left – tell the department to send someone working from home to get out onto the road and go door to door until they get the names of the few remaining dairy farmers.
On biosecurity grounds alone, the State should have an up to date list.
Drought:
When the next drought hits, minister, you’ll be in a world of pain – and I’ll be leading the charge.
If expectations aren’t reset after the South West debacle, you’ll be barricading yourself on the 12th floor while the mob demands their Bali flights.
Lock in a new State Drought Policy now.
Start by calling Terry Redman and ask what he did.
Then call a summit. Get Terry to chair it. Just get it done.
Legumes:
Where is Gladstone when you need him?
Huge opportunity here to reboot legume R&D – for livestock, for grains, and to keep the climate catastrophists happy with soil carbon.
The next generation of lupins or acid tolerant lentils or chickpeas could be the gamechanger we’ve all been waiting for.
Worth a bold punt.
Biosecurity:
Credit where it’s due – the new Cannington Biosecurity Centre is a win.
Now DPIRD should launch Operation Apollo II for sheep and bees.
WA must be ready to roll or rather stop in case of foot-and-mouth disease or Varroa Mite.
And Treasury needs to fund each threat with a dedicated line item.
Budget and Building:
The cuts must stop.
The rebuild must begin – including the big new building.
If the minister gets it done under her watch, I’ll recommend they name it “Jackie Jagged It No 12”, since that’s how many drafts Treasury has knocked back.
WAFarmers will commission a portrait of her to hang in the foyer.
In fact, I’ll paint it myself, with help from ChatGPT cartoon drawer.
RSPCA:
Produce a clear government policy that links RSPCA funding to cats, dogs and hobby farm animals, while leaving DPIRD to regulate commercial livestock.
Minister, if you deliver on even a handful of these, I’ll happily publicly sing you the second version of the Gilbert and Sullivan tribute – live on the Country Hour.
So, just to ensure no one can say I’m anything but fair and impartial in my commentary, and in recognition of the minister’s efforts to date – I’ve composed a little something in honour of Jackie Jarvis: a rendition of the classic Pirates of Penzance ditty, reimagined as a lively nod to her ingenuity and a celebration of her accomplishments.
Now, it may only scratch the surface, but its jaunty cadence and clever rhymes aim to summarise the minister’s grand achievements thus far.
Some may say this effort doesn’t quite do her justice – and in the spirit of balance, I’ve prepared a second version to be performed in four years’ time, ideally in the lead-up to the 2029 election, or perhaps on the day she’s shuffled further up the ministerial ladder.
This second version captures what I assume will be an impressive list of completed priorities, as all the pieces come together.
Of course, should the minister fall short, I’ll be obliged – purely in the public interest, of course – to illuminate in excruciating monthly detail the downstream consequences of any hapless decisions and poor policy outcomes.
Unfortunately for the Minister for Agriculture, the portfolio comes with its own dedicated correspondent – one who finds great satisfaction in faithfully conveying every political misstep to a highly engaged (and highly opinionated) stakeholder audience.
So, without further ado, I present this musical homage to the remarkable achievements of Jackie Jarvis – offered in admiration, appreciation, and with just the right touch of theatrical flair.
Version 2025: “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Minister for Agriculture”
(To the tune of “Modern Major-General”)
I am the very model of a modern Minister for Agriculture,
I subsidise the niche, the woke, and every food subculture.
I grant out public millions in a manner some call lunacy,
Then pose beside a tractor to project my agri fluency.
I’ll fund your plant-based burgers or another craft distillery,
While quoting climate slogans with rehearsed faux-rural skillery.
I’ll fund your plant-based burgers or yet another micro brewery
or should it not rain in the home I’ll dole the drought relief around.
I’ll talk of “innovation” while the Wheatbelt’s dry and overdone,
and boast of carbon farming when the benefits are close to none.
My press release vocabulary is crafted to be lyrical,
With buzzwords like “sustainability” that sound quite categorical.
I’m skilled at photo ops galore and moments Instagrammable,
While launching vague strategies that prove incomprehensible.
The corporate grants flow freely to the rich and unrelatable,
As I parade through luncheons backing projects debatable.
I tout a food utopia with programs unaffordable,
While farmers face a system that’s increasingly deplorable.
When critics ask what I have done once foodie fads are old and through,
I simply post a selfie from the latest thing I’ve been invited to send money to.
The spreadsheets show the millions that I’ve funnelled left and right,
But outcomes, when they’re questioned, tend to vanish out of sight.
If you’ve a trendy pitch deck with a ‘green’ and glowing theme,
Then step right up and sell to me your taxpayerfunded dream.
My fiscal sense is prudent when elections are in sight,
Yet ask me for new funding or a building and I’ll simply tell you “No”—
Unless it comes with buzzwords and a cameraready show.
I am the very model of a modern minister for agriculture.
Version 2029: “I Am the Very Model of a Minister Who Got It Done”
I am the very model of a Minister who got it done,
I signed the deal, secured the build, and now it’s nearly won.
I wrestled Treasury’s red pens and tamed the budget math,
And turned the ship from flailing course onto a focused path.
The sheep are tagged, the feedlot thrives, in Katanning there’s a spark,
We’ve put the lamb back on the map—with eIDs now glowing in the dark,
She budgeted, she battled, she outwitted every run,
She is the very model of a Minister who got it done!
She is the very model of a Minister who got it done!
The fishers once were furious, now oddly they are calm,
The Fisheries Act’s been cleaned up with a firm and steady hand.
The recs are still dramatic, but at least the rules are known,
And marine parks once political are now a fisher zone.
The bees are buzzing happily, the sheep have all been kept,
The grains research ambitions have been funded and well-met.
Legumes and lupins flourish now beneath the WA sun,
Her whiteboard goals all ticked and checked, the audits nearly fun.
She is the very model of a Minister who got it done!
She is the very model of a Minister who got it done!
The drought plan’s in the archives now — the summit made it pour,
With Peter Cook on deck, live export’s not a mess no more.
The building’s rising skyward, staff morale is on the mend,
And whispers say the workers want to stay right to the end.
The RSPCA now shelters cats and dogs — and nothing more,
And even farmers nod again, as they once did before.
While Jackie from the 12th floor, glass in hand, surveys the West,
She dodged the blame, she tamed the game, outshone more than the rest.
Now other ministries await with challenges anew,
With grain and sheep and fish and bees, her real work’s nearly through.
She is the very model of a Minister who got it done!
She is the very model of a Minister who got it done!
