Monday, February 10, 2025

How to frame a coaching conversation

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David Stewart, RYP International
David Stewart, RYP Internationalhttps://www.rypinternational.com/
David Stewart (B Ed, Grad Dip Sports Science, master’s Business Leadership) David is the Founder & Principal of RYP International – A Coaching & Advisory Practice. For over 40 years he has worked globally with organisations, communities, sports teams, CEO’s and their leadership teams to develop their capability and culture to maximise performance.

I am often pulled aside and asked how to approach a specific coaching conversation with someone. Usually, the nature of the topic may be a little delicate or uncomfortable, so they are looking for the best way to broach a topic. Often these coaching conversations are unplanned, so are in the moment and require the right tone, framework and context to be an effective and respectful moment. Often the focus of the conversation will be around a behaviour, mindset, or a breach of rules issue.

All effective coaching moments require an effective conversation

What does not work is when a coach starts a coaching conversation in a poorly-framed manner. Some typical examples include:

  • “I really like you but….” Conversations where you tip toe around the issue, starting with positives about the person, and then hit them with the subject matter, rarely start or end well. Avoid starting any coaching conversation that ends with a “But”;
  • Starting with a “don’t get me started” emotional tirade. This will always put someone on the back foot and on the defensive, creating an adversarial coaching moment;
  • Starting a conversation by flagging that “we are about to have a difficult conversation” puts the person on an “emotive high alert” which reduces the likelihood of active or objective listening; and
  • Having a body language and voice that indicates “sit down shut up and let me tell you how I am feeling!” Starting like this, in a directive manner, flags that you are about to deliver a lecture, not have a coaching conversation.

Sometimes the above scenarios are exactly what is required, but they are not conducive to an effective coaching conversation. This is important for a leader to understand. Issuing instructions should not be confused with a coaching conversation.  

Any effective coaching conversation requires framing

Framing a coaching conversation correctly sets it up for success. It only takes 10 to 20 seconds to do properly. What is framing? Framing is  an easy way to get your target audience where you need them to be before you deliver the details of your message. Framing tells the person what the coaching conversation is about and, if done well, lets them know what is expected of them right from the start.

Like all things that are impactful, good framing requires simplicity. Anything complex or onerous does not work. Framing has two elements:

  • Orientation; and
  • Bottom line up front.

Orientation is about getting your audience to the right starting place, that is, being on the same page as you. Starting a meeting or a coaching conversation with a simple orientation of ten words or less will help provide people with a heads up of the topic and context of the coaching conversation. This is the first step in framing a discussion. Some examples of framing include:

  • A football coach saying, “I want to discuss the football results over the weekend and what it means for us”;
  • A president of a community group stating, “We need to discuss our volunteer numbers for next weekend’s fundraiser, and how we will cover everything that is planned”; and
  •  A parent saying to a child, “Can I talk to you about why your sister seems upset.”

These simple statements take about five seconds to say and immediately orient the audience to the topic you want to discuss.

Bottom-line up front: This newspaper does this brilliantly! The headline at the top of the page grabs the reader’s attention and sets the tone for what follows. Unfortunately, it is rare for conversations to start with this level of clarity. Often, we either leave the headline until the end, or we forget to include it altogether. Not knowing the headline impacts how we receive and process information. Some bottom-line up front examples follow:

  • “I need you to put the rubbish out today, but also every day it is due”;
  • “I need your advice on some job ads to help attract new staff for the vacancies”;
  • “I’ve just spoken to our largest customer, and they are not happy with yesterday”;
  • “Your attitude at today’s meeting was unhelpful. Can we talk through?”; and
  • “The safety breach yesterday has some serious ramifications for all of us!”

Orientation and bottom-line up front conversations are interchangeable. You do not need to use both. Just one will suffice. The key to successfully framing a conversation is to set the scene, topic, and context of the coaching conversation in a manner which is clear, unequivocal (no doubt), yet respectful and safe for all concerned. Don’t confuse being direct with being blunt. They are different. Blunt conversations are effective (not toxic) when they take place between people who are very familiar and close to each other – such as between siblings.

Framing helps bring clarity to a coaching conversation, thus setting a greater likelihood that it will be effective.  Language, tone of voice, and non-verbal queues must align to reinforce the nature and topic of the conversation. Once a coaching conversation has been adequately framed, a useful coaching technique is for the coach to then commence with a set of open-styled questions, allowing the person to share their views of the topic, and thus providing the coach with what the person is thinking. This allows the coach to filter what they have heard, process a suitable response, and then formulate their coaching message.

Avoid jumping straight into a directive coaching process straight after the framing process. Frame the conversation, pause, ask some open-ended questions, and then listen to the response. A well-framed start of any coaching conversation enhances the likelihood it will be effective.

Leadership Lesson

Effective coaching is about conversations.
It is not so much what the coach says that is important,
but what a person takes away and implements after a coaching moment.
Framing a coaching conversation is an important coaching skill.
The ability to coach and influence others is a life skill!

Facta Non-Verba – Deeds Not Words

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