I’ve heard leaders who refer to themselves as “straight shooters,” who will “call people out”, and “hold them to account”. This is all well and good. However, if combined with an aggressive tone of voice and language, this approach can put people on edge. Such leaders might be challenged on the importance of being respectful, empathetic, and personable to be deemed credible.

This makes me think about the difference between being assertive and simply being rude. This is very relevant today. Reality TV shows excel at showcasing rude and disrespectful behaviour that would not be tolerated in other settings. It seems the producers feel that being rude is what fuels ratings. Social media is full of rude and disrespectful comments by keyboard warriors. It seems there is confusion on what being assertive is, and what is just plain rudeness.

Assertiveness and rudeness are both forms of communication, but they differ significantly in their tone, intention, and impact on others. The key differentiator is respect!

Assertiveness can be characterised as:

• Clear, direct, yet respectful communication. It involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear, direct, and respectful manner.
• Being assertive has a place in certain moments: Such as in emergency situations, or when there is a requirement of urgency to act. When there is no time for a discussion.
• Confident expression: When an expert is speaking, you would like to think they are direct and confident in their thoughts and messages.
• Body language: Should support an assertive delivery, such as stance, maintaining eye-contact, and speaking in a slow and clear delivery. Non-threatening.
• Respect for others: Being assertive respects the rights, feelings, and opinions of others, who have an equal right to share their thoughts and opinions and are invited to do so.
• Framed correctly: Important for any assertive communication to be framed appropriately so the topic, context, and relevance are understood by all participants.
• Chairing a meeting: Creating a focused agenda, keeping everyone on topic, setting ground rules, and providing equal opportunity for all participants to speak requires an assertive approach by any Chair.
• Problem-solving orientation: Assertive communication aims to address problems and issues directly, focusing on finding solutions and mutual agreements, rather than chasing down rabbit holes of who to blame or why the problem occurred.
• Boundaries and ground rules: Assertive conversations rely on an agreed set of ground rules to apply to all, and the acceptance of healthy boundaries. Assertive conversations are not a free for all to abuse people or make offensive comments. They are steeped in respect, good intent, and active listening.

Rudeness is characterised by:

• Name calling: Providing unfair and disrespectful labels to people.
• Disrespectful communication: Rudeness involves communicating in a style that is deliberately insensitive or offensive to others.
• Lack consideration: Rude people talk over people, interrupt, belittle, or dismiss others’ opinions, without due regard for feelings or perspectives.
• Aggressive tone: Rude conversations often come across as aggressive, hostile, or unnecessarily confrontational, with little regard to the consequences that may result.
• Intent to offend: Rude people intend to be rude. They set out to offend and cause upset. The entire purpose is to make someone feel badly, or angry!
• Lack boundaries: Rude conversations often morph into name calling, character questioning, and judgemental assertions about someone or something, without a shred of evidence.
• Set off emotions: Rudeness sets off an emotional response which can cause upset, anger, and hostility. Rude people incite arguments and fuel feelings of hurt and disrespect.
• Not safe: Rude conversations kill a sense of safety and mutual respect. Instead, they create a toxic environment for all.
• Leave stress and angst in their wake: After a rude conversation, recipients are often left feeling stressed, upset, and anxious in what was said and how it was said. This will lead to feelings of resentment or fear.

Rude conversations can often be characterised as bullying.
Assertive conversations if done correctly, should be characterised as direct, honest, and constructive.

In summary, assertiveness involves confident and respectful conversations that acknowledge the rights, values, and opinions of others, whilst standing up for their own needs. In contrast, rudeness is characterised by disrespectful and offensive communication that disregards the feelings, opinions, and perspectives of others, with an aggressive and hostile tone.

Leadership Lesson

Being assertive is enshrined in the principles of mutual respect and empathy.
It should not be confused with rudeness, aggressiveness, or bluntness.
A rude leader is a toxic leader. Manner’s cost nothing!

Facta Non-Verba – Deeds Not Words