Leadership & You #17

I often get asked by leaders how to have a difficult conversation. My answer is always the same. Don’t have one! Have a normal conversation. A difficult conversation should be treated as a normal conversation. That is, they are conducted respectfully, empathetically, with good intent, and safely.

In unpredictable and challenging times leaders will often need to have what are deemed difficult conversations. This is an important skill for any leader to have. The easiest thing for a leader to do is to defer them or not have them at all. But this will always create ripple effect consequences.

When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction

There is an art to having a difficult conversation. It starts with a leader’s ability to form an emotionally safe relationship with someone in order to have two way open and frank discussions. This is a leader’s responsibility, so requires constant practice, application, and consistency in approach to all team members and colleagues (not just perceived difficult people).

Effective difficult conversations are safe. They are free of emotional outbursts, wild accusations, or threatening language. Key is not to have a difficult conversation when either party is angry. No one can listen when they are angry.

Speak when you are angry as a leader, and you will make the best speech you ever regret!

A difficult conversation should be treated as a normal conversation. Taking a five-stepped approach will help maximise the likelihood of an effective conversation:

Step 1: Ask these three questions of yourself:

• Is the person’s behaviour or mindset affecting the team dynamics?
• Is the person’s behaviour affecting team performance?
• Is their attitude and behaviour unacceptable and disrespectful of others?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it is likely you need to have a conversation. You cannot let things fester. This will only demotivate and deflate others.

Step 2: Check yourself:

• Are you prepared to have the conversation or just ignore it?
• If either party is angry or emotional, defer and make it for a future time.
• Seek feedback from trusted colleagues for their perspective to make sure you are objective and that there is nothing else occurring behind the scenes.

Also check if you are the right person with whom to have the initial conversation. Is there a logical other person who might be better placed to have an effective conversation?

Step 3: Plan an approach

• Make sure you treat it as a normal conversation, not a “difficult conversation”. This is an important mindset to adopt.
• Scenario plan – what are the possible outcomes – but be flexible – do not go in with a fixed outcome mindset. Think through in advance possible scenarios. This allows you to adapt as the conversation unfolds.
• Treat any conversation as an honest, open, and safe two-way discussion. Rather than stating “we are about to have a difficult conversation.” Instead, frame the conversation as a two-way conversation around a specific topic or theme. This will be less confronting.

Thinking through scenarios helps plan how you might react or respond in the conversation moments. Sometimes having a neutral third person present in the conversation can help provide an objective and fair view for both parties.

Step 4: Explore and exchange stories:

• At the start create an emotionally safe environment. Ensure the location set up is conducive to a private conversation where you can actively listen. Warmly greet the person, check in on their needs, and ensure adequate seating and privacy. Never sit behind your desk! Your body language and nonverbal queues at the start of the conversation are critical. A person who senses you are upset or angry will automatically become defensive.
• It’s important to encourage the other person to speak first. Rather than letting fly with your side of things, hear their side of the story first. Use open-ended questions to elicit more than yes or no answers. Explore what they are thinking, hearing, feeling, and observing. Enquire how “their world is”. You may be surprised at what you find out.
• Once you have heard, and processed their story, (which will help provide context) you can then share your story, views, observations, experiences, and feedback with it being framed as “your side of things.”

Storytelling is an important two-way dynamic. One-way lectures never end well. If a person senses that this is a safe and constructive discussion, they will be more open and willing to listen and share more thoughts.

Step 5: Problem solve:

• Be flexible, and roadmap potential options to explore or actions to pursue.
• Genuinely roadmap any enablers to implement or barriers to remove for any possible solutions. Zero in on the top three actions that matter. Anymore and it risks becoming “white noise” or too difficult to remember or commit to.
• Make two-way commitments. What are the things you will do as a leader. What are the things they will do. Agree a follow up time to check-in.

It’s important to demonstrate that a leader will do everything possible to help support a person to improve. Keep it real and practical. This ensures the personal responsibility ball is in their court. Assume best intentions. Their subsequent actions and mindset will reveal their commitment to genuinely making an effort to improve.

Finally:

A lot of problems would be solved if we talked to each other, rather than talked about each other. Gossip has never solved a problem. Focus on what people are – their strengths, not what they are not – their weaknesses. We all bring certain capabilities and qualities to any team. But any team member must bring the right mindset and behaviour to a team. This is a choice not a skill.

Leadership Lesson:

Failing to act is a failure to lead.
If you put off a difficult conversation there is always a ripple effect.
This is normally at the cost of team chemistry, which creates team dysfunction, which always impacts the morale and motivation of others.

Facta Non Verba – Deeds Not Words