Of all the things that challenges a leader’s energy and stress levels is the need to constantly coach the right mindsets and behaviours into others. Doing this effectively requires a patient, deliberate and an ongoing approach, rather than angry outbursts.

It is important for a leader to start any behavioural coaching conversation by assuming best intentions, whether this is the case or not. A coaching conversation that begins with both parties being emotionally charged or angry never leads anywhere constructive. It just ends up as an argument. To avoid this, a leader needs to be calm, and to choose the best timing and correct framing of any behavioural coaching moment. The wrong time with the wrong framing never ends well.

Timing: If either party is angry, defer the coaching conversation to another time, when people have calmed down, and are in the right mindset to have a conversation. Make the time in the “near term” so the context of the conversation is not lost, even if it just deferred for an hour or two.

You cannot coach effectively if you are angry.
Similarly, you cannot hear when you are angry!

Framing: Frame the conversation around the specific issue, whilst keeping it professional, courteous, but to the point. Never start off by talking around the good attributes of a person and then hit them with a BUT! – Zero in on the behavioural issue you are seeking to address. Nothing else!

“Yes but” conversations are never productive.

Grounding: It is important to base any behaviour change conversation around the expected values and behaviours that are publicly promoted and applicable to all. These include unwritten social norms that are expected of all people working in any team. These include respect, manners, safety, and common courtesies (which should be taken for granted). This provides a basis for any coaching conversation.

A person chooses what behaviour or mindset they bring to any situation.
Inappropriate behaviour is a choice!

Ask questions rather than lecture: To gain an understanding of what is impacting a person’s behaviour and mindset will require a leader to ask questions. Do not make assumptions or quick judgements. Explore the following line of questioning:

• How is a person feeling? Try and establish what is going on behind the scenes;
• Explore what prompted any inappropriate behaviour or attitude;
• Share some of your observations and perspectives;
• Explore together what the appropriate behaviour or mindset should be;
• Ask how you as the leader can help foster and enable the desired behaviour;
• Focus on only one behavioural issue at a time – any more reduces the likelihood of any change taking place;
• Agree a joint simple action plan that you both commit to; and
• Acknowledge and positively reinforce when you see them attempt the agreed behaviour (this is called positive shaping).

Often it is the questions a leader asks that are more impactful than anything they say.

Zero-tolerance: A leader must adopt a “zero-tolerance” approach to any behaviour that breaches safety standards, or is deemed inappropriate (demeaning, sexist, bullying, threatening, or abusive behaviours). A leader must step in and act as and when these occur or are witnessed / reported. A safe supportive team environment for all team members must be protected at all costs by a leader.

The standard you walk past is the standard you accept!

Fierce conversations: A fierce coaching conversation is something a leader only ever has once with a team-member. It is used when a team-member crosses the line with an inappropriate behaviour. It starts with a leader stating unequivocally up front that this conversation will only ever occur once. A fierce conversation is a direct conversation – not a yelling match. A fierce conversation has five principles to be effective:

1. They are not put off. They are almost always focused on an inappropriate behaviour as and when they occur;
2. They are professional, direct, factual, and free of emotion;
3. They zero in on the inappropriate behaviour, why it is inappropriate, and what the consequences are;
4. They explore and agree what the desired behaviour should be, and simple next steps; and
5. They explicitly detail the consequences if the behaviour in question is repeated.

There should be a formal record of a fierce conversation, for future reference if necessary.

If a person requires a second fierce conversation on the same issue,
then it is apparent you have an attitude problem or a toxic team member!

Adopt a “two step” coaching methodology: Coach in the moment – then follow up. Most coaching moments are in the moment. In these moments, it is important for a leader to keep a level head and ensure emotions do not get escalated. Focus on facilitating a coaching discussion, and then follow-up the coaching moment 1:1 at an appropriate time (a day or two later). The latter is symbolically important, as it is a mechanism to check in with the person to see what they took away from the coaching moment and allow them to share the key messages they heard. This provides the leader with an opportunity to reaffirm and re-enforce key coaching messages, whilst positively supporting any attempts by a person to modify a behaviour.

Learning requires critical reflection;
without it, no learning can take place.

Positive shaping 1:5 feedback ratio: When coaching a behavioural change, the 1:5 feedback ratio has proved useful. For every one piece of negative feedback you provide to a person, follow up with five positive affirmations when you see a person attempting the right behaviours or applying the right mindset. Just like coaching a working dog. You need to set boundaries and disciplines, but they also need to feel a sense of belonging and gratitude. Over time, this has been found to be the most effective way to change any behaviour.

You don’t change behaviours – you shape them!

Finally:

Adopting the right mindset and behaviours requires practice and application. It needs constant repetition, endorsement, and enforcement by the leader. Ultimately, the most powerful coaching is via peers and colleagues who role model the desired behaviours and adopt the desired mindset. This happens by design, not luck!

Leadership Lesson

Just when a leader gets sick of repeating and enforcing the right behaviours, some people are just starting to get it! It is a bit like teaching your children good manners. It costs nothing but requires constant re-enforcement.

Facta Non-Verba – Deeds Not Words